FEDERATION of VERY WARM WATER DIVERS

OLD BREAKING NEWS!!


Penguins devour 7 men at Antarctic!
Antartic, February 18th, 2002, from our local Cuban reporter.

A Russian photographer and six scientists came to dreadful and bloody end on the extensive ice-masses of the south pole. They were crushed and devoured by a colony of more then 50,000 penguins! Watching the atrocious slaughter, fellow-scientists found themselves trapped and were unable to resist such superior forces of penguins. Geologist Svetlana Radovsky, eye-witness of this brutal orgy of violance, declared '(..) never in my entire life have I seen such a horrible event'. Our beloved researcher - Dr. Heisswasser could confirm her statement 'There is no history at all of penguins-attacks in relation to humans' and also 'if such an attack had actually occurred before, it would have been a bloody coincidence if this cow (read : Svetlana) witnessed that one too!!'. In 5 minutes the unlucky scientists were reduced to just a pool of blood on the icy plains. Why, for god's sake, the penguins assaulted the men, is still an enigma. Our maritime department suggests that pollution of sea-water may have evoked some genetic aberrations in the penguins. Our honourable President Mr. B. Eastwood addressed the whole tragedy in a more straight manner 'this is a full blowen proof that men should stay far away from cold conditions. Places, where men absolutely don't belong' and 'life sucks'. Sad, but true!


 Mother on social security left with one unfinished breast!
Holland, Amsterdam, February 10th, 2002, from our special reporter.

This drama happened in The Haque. After Carry Claypounder, a 27 year old women from Vleuteren(B) who was living on wellfare, had one breast enlarged, she got mugged and lost her remaining savings she had set aside for the operation on the other one. The plastic surgeon who who treated Carry refused to help her with her other breast. Money shark. This poignent sorrow came under the attention of Mr. B. Eastwood, who immediately did take the necessary action.He offered the poor woman the post of receptionist at the F.V.W.W.D. nerve centre, which she gratefully accepted. This is the social face of the Federation, always prepared to help a fellow human being!



Carry (27) can smile again!


 Giant squid attacks unawary pig!
Guyana, Somewhere, February 8th, 2002, from our local reporter.

A monster-squid, app. 10OO kg & 18 metres long, successfully attacked a pig at the Guyana Bay near the capital. How the squid got in those shallow waters there is still puzzling. Normally they live at depths of +1000 metres, where they are major rulers. Their only fear is sperm whales, which feed on them. The unlucky pig was digging for rotten coconuts on the coastline, when the phenomenon took place. According to witnesses, the screams of the poor pig were heartbreaking, almost human like, when the parrot-beak-shape, razorblade mouth of the giant squid tore big lumps of flesh from the poor pig while holding it with his big suckers. It took the monster hardly 15 minutes to leave a few teeth and hoofs on the bottom of the sea. A gruesome reminder of what can happen to unaware mammals who got themselves trapped in the wrong environment...


Suspected plot at FVWWD laboratory, people arrested, probe follows..
Amsterdam, Holland, February 6th, 2002, from our special reporter, President Mr. B. Eastwood.

Police raided the Maritime laboratory of the F.V.W.W.D this morning. The life-insurance company 'Happy Animals Inc', representing a unknown 'owner' of the mouse movie-star 'Malcolm', aka the slump, worn-out, forgotten low-level rodent, seems to be THE initiator of this whole ridiculous action. They claim that 'Malcolm' was murdered by a brutal experiment of Dr. Heisswasser, Head of the the Maritime Labaroratory of the F.V.W.W.D. They claim that our Friedrich (read : Dr. Heisswasser) instead of letting 'Malcom' breathe in perflubron, he tried to let him breathe in a pint of WestMalle Triple beer. They state that the whole story of the about the stray cat was just fake story to cover up the incompetence of the F.V.W.W.D. Our maritime reseacher, who is highly respected worldwide, reacted quite laconically to this low-level accusation. 'If there is something I CAN distinguish, then it is a beer with or without a bloody mouse floating in it. Pardon me for my language.' according our beloved, but still shocked researcher, in a first statement to our news agency. More breaking news may follow.


Stray cat grabs famous movie-star mouse!
Amsterdam, Holland, January 22th, 2002, from our local reporter

The famous mouse 'Malcom', who starred in many movies, is deceased. Malcom, who had been trained to climb women's leg, got snatched by a bloody stray cat while in training for the F.V.W.W.D monster movie production 'Rodents, 5000 metres under sea level'. The horrible tragedy took place in the maritime laboratory of the F.V.W.W.D. How this low-life cat could slip into the lab is still is a mystery. Malcom was in the lab for a 'fluid breathing' training session. He would play a hero role in this firstever F.V.W.W.D. adventure movie. He only reached the age of 2 years. Our thoughts are by the next of kin. Dr. Heiswasser is still searching for a suitable replacement.


Dr. Dipl. Ing. Heisswasser visits the Balearen...
Playa da Palma, Mallorca, September 4th, 2001, from our local reporter

Our maritime researcher of the F.V.W.W.D. had a 2-week diving-holiday on one of the Balearic islands, Mallorca. The month (August) carefully chosen, the temperature of the water was a comfortable 26° C. Dr. Heisswasser was frankly surprised by the diversity of the underwater landscape. A lot of beautiful caves and tunnels. But there was also a downside. Dive-trips were only undertaken in the morning. In the afternoon the sea at the west side of the island, getting to rough, causing an unacceptable current. Alternative dive spots at the East side of the island - where the sea at that moment was calm - were unfortunatly not incorporated in the program of the dive club. Also the record of delay, waiting for other divers to be ready, was easily broken with a fabulous 2 hours. In one case, arriving at a dive-spot at 20.30, it did take 2½ hours, at 23.00, before finally a neat descend was possible! The dive-guide forgot his stabilizer jacket, other people couldn't clear their ears, and so on, and so on. Communication with Spanish fellow divers and guides was not possible, except with hand and feet signals. And that's quite poor on dry land... Finally, a really sad moment was the discovery of 7 dead baby dog-sharks. They had probably fallen victim to a fishing net and been thrown overboard. But anyway, it was still worth the trip, according to our beloved researcher.


President robbed during his trip on Malta!
Sliema, Malta, September 19th, 2000, from our local reporter

While our beloved President had a dive at Ghar Lapsi, bloody morons broke in the van of the 8-star training center! This is the already second time that the camera of the President was stolen. Dr. Dipl Ing. Heisswasser suggested to develop for these criminals a fair survival swim with 4O kg of lead attached their bodies. The president immediately dismissed this proposal. He is aiming for at least 70 kg of lead !


IT-Department of FVWWD accused of obscenity!
Amsterdam, Holland, June 10th, 1999, from our local reporter

The Woman Liberation Front, a radical feminist organsation, revealed that the IT-department of the F.V.W.W.D offered 'badtasted soundgames' and an 'obscene screensaver' to download. In a short but furious reaction Mr. Gill Bates, head of the IT-department of the F.V.W.W.D., denied all accusations. "Absolute nonsense, these people don't know where they talking about" and "men are growen-up enough to find out for themselves of these downloads are so called 'bad-tasted' or 'obscene', in my eyes it is just innocent material and a joy for men". The President of the F.V.W.W.D, Mr. Bill Eastwood, now preparing for his forthcoming trip to Egypt, stated in short reaction that he fully supports the opinions of his whizzoldy.


Diver raped by dolphin!
Carlile Reef, Hurgada, Egypt, September 3th, 1998, from our local reporter

First star instructor Miss. B. Eaver experienced a hell of a moment when an adult male dolphin tryed to rape her. " I was just drifting away when I felt a sausage like object on my back. When I turned my head I saw 'Free Willy' (read : the house-reef dolphin) blowing bubbles. He obviously was very excited. It was a strange but wonderful experience." according the still shocked Miss B. Eaver. The instructor considers now to take the Mammal Diving Specialty Course by the F.V.W.W.D. !

President accused of nepotism!
Amsterdam, November 5th, 1998, from our local reporter

Our honourble President of the F.V.W.W.D., Mr. B. Eastwood, is recently accused of nepotism and abuse of a female trainee in the headquarters of the F.V.W.W.D. The story, published in a weekly magazine, stated that a friend of the president, Mr. D. Chopcir suddenly got a promotion to Senior Warm Water Instructor and further on, that his dive center was upgraded to a F.V.W.W.D - 8-star - training facilty! In a short reaction Mr. Eastwood admitted that he has smoked a sigar in the same room as the trainee, but unfortunately no irregularity had taken place.


Dr. Diplom Ing. F. Heisswasser accused of unethical research!
Amsterdam, December 15th, 1998, from our local reporter

The maritime researcher of the F.V.W.W.D., Dr. Heiswasser, is under suspicion of manipulating human genes to make better warm water divers. The gentechnology is globally critized because recently a mouse with a full growen dick on is back escaped from Future Technology Illinois, USA . The normal lifes of housewives of nearby village Westwood was severly disrupted when these little buggers haunted the streets. The President will personally investigate the activities of our beloved researcher.

President promotes friend to Senior Warm Water Instructor!
Gzira, Malta, December 24th, 1998, from our local reporter

At his recent trip to Malta the President awarded Mr. D. Chopcir with Senior Warm Water Instructor license. The President came to this decision during his dive on the M.V. "Suzie". Mr.Chopcir attended the President that the temperature of the water at starboard side of the wreck was below 24 degrees Celcius. The dive was immediately suspended.


Diver suspended as member!
Oostende(Belgium), June 8th, 1998, from our local reporter

With immediately notice the diver Estaban K. is suspended as member of the F.V.W.W.D. He was located near the city of Oostende, trying to get his dry-suit on. Estaban K. explained to the officials of the F.V.W.W.D. that he absolutly had no intention to dive, but that he only wanted to see if the suit fitted him. The committee didn't attach any importance to his explanation. However, the maritime researcher of the F.V.W.W.D. - Dr. Diplom Ing. Friedrich Heisswasser -, argued that the diver is from Eskimo origin. After mature consideration the committee stayed with her painfull (but right!) decision.


Power struggle in the committee board of the F.V.W.W.D.?
Amsterdam(Holland), June 9th, 1998, from our local reporter

According well known sources a power struggle is going on over the presidency of the F.V.W.W.D. The secretary of the F.V.W.W.D., - Mrs. M. Brussen -, would aspire this position. The two persons concerned, the momentary President, Mr. Eastwood and his secretary declared these rumours as complete nonsense. "Above all," stated the secretary laconic, "I may have more experience with the warm water around Malta, but it is a well known fact that our President has more qualitive experience with warm water. May I point out to you that our President was born 3 weeks after his due date : his fascination for warm water is unsurpassed. Besides it is well known fact that the President sleeps on a waterbed for many years and enjoys on regular basis a turkisch steambath".


 President lost son of Jacques Yves Cousteau?
Amsterdam(Holland), June 10h, 1998, from our local reporter

Headlines of the Dutch gossip magazine "Prive" suggests that our President Mr. Eastwood could be the lost son of Jacques Cousteau. According the article Mr. Cousteau was disappeared for a few days in 1955 when he was visiting Holland. Also the mother of Mr. Eastwood disappeared at that time. The relation is clear writes the magazine. In a short reaction our President said that he will use "all the membership money to sue this bloody stupid magazine"